As Head of Safety for Harrison Family Builders, my work is never done. Boss, Wife, That Cat, Hank, and the whole crew are more dependent on me than Elway was on Siemien, oops, I meant Osweiller, no, wait, I meant Lynch...
Anyway, as I was sayin’, keepin’ job sites safe is a forever job. I even kept workin’ through Christmas break. I had to water all the Christmas lights before Boss put them up on the roof, sniff out every present to make sure there wasn’t a bomb, and test the stability of the Christmas tree stand. Lemme tell ya, those were perty stressful safety checks.
First, Wife got the lights out of the shop, untangled ‘em, and spread ‘em out across the porch to make it easy for Boss. She plugged ‘em in to make sure they all worked, and I watered ‘em to make sure there were no shorts in the strands. She didn’t like that so much, but, hey, it had to be done, and I’m happy to report--no shorts, not even a little buzzin’ or flickerin’, even when Wife sprayed it all off with the hose. When I seen her gettin’ that hose, I made myself scarce. I mean, what good is my title of Head of Safety if I don’t even know how to keep myself safe on the construction site. So far so good, but I knew it was too good to last.
Next was the bomb-sniffin’. This was tricky, because not all of ‘em presents were put under the tree at the same time. Me bein’ observant was important. Each day I circled ‘em, smellin’ ‘em out real thorough-like. That Cat didn’t like it. Nosey is what she called me. Now, ain’t that interestin’ comin’ from a cat? I answered her with the word self-righteous. Boss gave us both a word--get out!
Later, when Wife let me back in, I continued my bomb-sniffin’, and I thought I was on to somethin’. One of ‘em packages definitely had a smell. I knew I had to act fast. I grabbed that present, gave it a vigorous shake, and pounded it on the floor. I’m perty sure those two steps are always the first things I should do when I suspect a bomb. Nothin’. No explosion. No rattlin’. No tickin’. So far so good, but what was that smell? There was only one way to protect all of our construction crew and customers, and that was to get that package open. By now the paper was perty soggy, so I really didn’t even have to tear it. It was fallin’ apart by itself, kinda like the Broncos season did. I had to work a little harder to get the tin lid off, but I was able to get it up enough to shake the contents out of the round tub. Guess what came out? Did you say popcorn? How did you know? I had that popcorn scattered all over and there was only one thing to do.
I started scarfin’ it down when I heard That Cat purrin’. Strange thing is, I couldn’t see her. Just as I pulled my nose up out of the popcorn, I realized the Christmas tree was fallin’ over and That Cat, who was almost to the top of the tree, along with it. Ornaments and That Cat went flyin’. Did you know glass ornaments don’t bounce and a cat’s claws leave perty nasty scars on leather furniture? Take my word fer it. After That Cat was able to free her claws from the leather sofa, she flicked her tail and ran under the desk. Well, two safety checks done at the same time, I thought to myself, as I went back to my popcorn.
Funny thing though, Boss’s reaction was different from mine, and, by the way, I looked perty guilty, standin’ there among the broken glass and soggy wrappin’ paper, eatin’ evidence as fast as I could. “Denver, what’re you doin’?” Boss yelled as he set the tree back upright. I crawled under the desk with That Cat and tried not to make eye contact. Boss just stood there, lookin’ at the mess, then at me, then back at the mess. Just as I was about to tell him that the safety checks on the lights and packages passed, but the check on the stability of the tree stand failed, he repeated what he’d said earlier, “Get out.”
As usual, when things like this happen, Boss used a Scripture to teach me a lesson while Wife cleaned up the mess. I sure am glad Boss has a sense of humor. He said, “Denver, listen to the first part of the 1 Peter 4:7 that says, ‘But the end of all things is at hand.’” I thought, That's it. I'm dead. But then he laughed, shook his head, gave me a pat and That Cat some botherin’, and said, “I’m glad the end of the holidays are here and I can get back to work.”
Yeah, I thought, and my job as Head of Security is never done. Aaaand, Wife's job of cleanin' up the mess might not ever be done either.
‘Til next time...